A Periodical Look At Our Night Outs

Yo, so my friends and I are rated at about a 9/10 on the 'how basic are you?' scale and our nights out never fail to be a stereotypical, white girl wasted blur.  I, as an influential and popular blogger (4 followers and counting) know the importance of giving the people what they want and what they want is to know what a night out on the town with me is like! 

3 more than B has...

I'm getting drunk tonight

Wake up: Flawless
Ok so on the morning of a night out I wake up, today is the day!  The sun is shining, the tank is clean the tank is clean?!!. Basically from the suns first ray right up until about 4pm I am just trying to pass the time until it is acceptable to start poppin bottles in the ice like a blizzard.



MacdonNOlds

If I'm not sufficiently fed before I start drinking

so roll on 4-5pm and i'll be chowing down on an either too large or too little sized bowl of pasta (I just never could get those pasta measurements right).  I'd like to say I was trying to fill my stomach in order to slow down the pace at which I got drunk because I am a sensible young lady but in reality I'm eating in hopes of deterring the 03.00am MacDonalds cravings.  Not eating pasta before a night out forces me to do something I reaaaaly don't want to do and my diet will be ruined!

"Are you here to make me look pretty?"

2/10 on the cuteness scale

Now it's time to recreate the scene from The Hunger Games when Cinna and the prep team give Katniss a makeover, except I have no Cinna, I have no prep team, I am not Katniss and nobody is coming to make me look pretty - you don't have any friends! Nobody likes you! I attempt to curl my hair but just get annoyed when one side doesn't curl as well as the other, then I try to even out the curls, realise that the curls will all fall out about an hour into the dancing anyway and then move on to make up.  Throw on some make up, some clothes, pack my bag, get my shoes on and then step out into the hall.  
Life advice:  Do not under any circumstances do your make up when you're drunk.  I've been there my friends and it's not pretty!

"Is my make up even?"

Pre drinks 

More like one bottle of vodka

This is the part of the night when we get really really drunk because we're too poor at actually purchase a decent amount of alcohol when we're out.  B and I often make a fun 'punch' which usually consists of half a litre of vodka, some peach schnapps and then a fun splash of fruit juice - fun fact:  turns out I'm not as big a mango fan as I first imagined.  

Ali always knows whats up

So after a glass of our famous magic punch we are as merry as the merry men from Shrek - maybe even merrier!  This can only mean one thing: Karaoke!  If you come to one of our karaoke parties you will hear wonderful renditions of all the classics, for instance: Promiscuous Girl, Don't Dream It's Over (Ariana Grande and Miley Cyrus cover of course), Edel Weiss (sung in a round) and Moon River #Classic. Another cup of punch down the hatch and this is when we decided that either through the art of a good old drinking game or just in a plain old fashioned 'sharing is caring' kind of way it's time to reveal all of our hopes, dreams, fears and secrets #HurricaneGloriaDidn'tBreakThePorchSwingMonicaDid.  Basically by the end of pre drinks we are so drunk we can't even tell if we are white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

To the clubbbb

Getting turnt up in the taxi

The taxi arrives and we leave the flat ditching the 'Ohana is family and family means nobody gets left behind' motto because is you aren't there when the taxi arrives then you're walking.  The taxi often goes something like this, "what is your fake name tonight? *all hands in to the middle* never forget the topping on your pizza *raise hands into the air whilst shouting out your fave pizza toppings* I love this song! Taxi driver can you turn this song up!? *everyone shout sings the song over one another!* wait who is paying for this?  If you pay I'l buy the first round of drinks!"

Up in da club

Name and date of birth?

So we manage to pull ourselves together long enough to hand over our ID's to the bouncer, resit the urge to use a fake name when they ask and pay the entry fee. Then it's straight to the bar to top up our blood alcohol levels before a night of dance battles, sword fighting, turning tricks and fucking shit up.  A tequila shot for one, a tequila shot for all.  

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor

Straight to the dance floor and then song request tactics are discussed:  If you ask for Taylor Swift then I'll ask for Ariana Grande and who is asking for Mmmm Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo?  Because I can feel it, tonight is the night they'll finally play it!  
We put in our song requests and then immediately retreat to the toilets for a quick urination, throwing up and crying session - and maybe even a little magic.  We miss all of our song requests.

You're my best friends I'm so happy right now

Return to the dance floor and there is A LOT of hugging and an infinite amount of declarations of "I love you so much!".  Sometimes the hugs are so passion filled that they take us off of our feet.  Sometimes the love is so overwhelming the only logical thing to do is for B and L to life me up into the air Bar Mitzvah style...

Anyway, here's Wonderwall

Couldn't have said it better myself Julie

Next we head to the rock room - which someone recently told me was actually the cheesy music room but I think that statement is all a but controversial.  I go up to the DJ and request the first rock song I can think of: Can you play some Taylor Momsen!?  We go and dance and then I return to the DJ;
Me: Can you play some Taylor Momsen?
DJ: I just played her
Me: Can you play some Queen?
DJ: You just danced to Taylor Momsen and Queen, how drunk are you!?
Me: Ok I'll take All The Small Things, that's my final offer

Helloooooo Is there anybody alive out there?

We've been waiting for you

We all get split up and while some of us search high and low for our friends tohers decide just to leave the club.  Usually this person is B, slipping out unnoticed to partake in a fun solo adventure wandering the streets intoxicated, cold, under dressed... 10/10 on the safety scale.  Once B and I left together and we went back to the flat and sat in our flatmate's room waiting for her to return.  It took too long so we sprinkled some popcorn on her bed and wrote her name on the door in peanut butter (we are such good friends!)

Casiyes or Casino/Pizza *insert antonym for paradise*

Never forget the toppings on your pizza

Sometimes the night ends magically with a trip to the casino, they do the best chicken burgers and you meet the most wonderful people.  

Otherwise we visit Pizza Paradise and spend at least £10 each on disgusting, under-cooked frozen pizzas...  That is the Edinburgh way after all.  Fun fact: I once drunkenly text my flatmate saying "New phone who dis?" from Pizza Paradise.

Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey

And this little pig went weee weeee weeee all
the way home

Often one of the best parts of the night is the walk home. A taxi is tempting because the journey home requires us to endure blistering winds and scorching deserts and then we have to climb to the highest bloody room in the tallest bloody tower (and then we find a gender confused wolf who tells us that our princess is already married #ugh #soannoying #theworst # waaaaat?).  However the walk home is the perfect opportunity for impromptu photoshoots on the street, the perfect setting for a fun new music video and the perfect time to make new friends.  From time to time L will run home because that's more fun than walking but I can't join her because I have asthma - and I'm afraid that if I run I'll miss the bush shaped like Shirley Bassey.  Regardless of the pace of our return to the flat nobody can deny that it certainly is one hell of a journey.  

Near far wherever you are

shhhhh everyones in bed

When L and I get home we always have a fun sleepover so we can watch Titanic together.  We tiptoe quite as a mouse around the flat as we get ready for bed so as not to disturb anyone and then start the film.  L gets real deep about how the ship is sinking down below them and the water that once kept the ship afloat ultimately led to it's demise... There are tears over how beautiful Jack is and applause over Rose's ability to see past the shallow world in which she was raised.   I think Titanic is a metaphor for our friendship. It will live on through everything and we will go down with this ship, we wont put our hands up and surrender #dido




The moral of the story is raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are a few of my favourite things.

Oh Elizabeth

Caz is white girl wasted

Xoxo 

Queen G

5 Times My Drunken Words Were Not Sober Thoughts

So there is a saying floating around that seems to be fairly regularly seen to be accurate and true.  This saying is "Drunken words are sober thoughts" or one of the various forms of this saying.  However as a 20 year old girl who does occasionally over indulge in alcoholic beverages I can honestly say that I have regularly not found that to be true.  Maybe that's because I am a full time truth exaggerator at the best of times but regardless, here are 5 times when I personally have found the above saying to be lies and slander.

I do love cats though.

1. Okay so the first time I ever got drunk it hit me like a thousand knifes stabbing me all over my body, I couldn't breathe, couldn't think.  At least, not about anything except how incredibly happy, free confused and lonely I felt.  However, during this night I also tried to tell everyone who would listen, with a fair amount of conviction, that I was and had always been a cat.  Now I may repeatedly fill my head with a whole lot of nonsense every day but I am 98% sure that sober G does not think she is a cat.  


2. I struggle to remember the last time I went on a night out as G.  As soon as the drinks start flowing the spirit of Blair Waldorf emerges from my soul.  Sometimes it resonates only in the form of me telling people on nights out that my name is Blair (Which I will admit, sometimes this is a sober thought).  Other time's I conduct a whole back story about how I lived in New York and how my father left my mother for a 31 year old model, a male model!  Back in the day I would frequently gather an audience, 2 vodka cranberry's into the night, and put on a performance of a lifetime to one of Taylor Swifts many smash hit singles.  Although sometimes I would do this for no reason other than I am partial to a little bit of spotlight and attention. From time to time, back in the day I would perform in order to prove to this audience that I was in fact the on and only Pennsylvania born and raised, guitar strumming songstress.  Much like the cat thing I would also tell people a whole bunch of fun facts about Tay myself and inform them of all the struggles I endured on my journey to becoming a musical sensation!

3. I also have a tendency to do a little exaggeration from time to time after a night out on the town.  For example I may or may not have told L that I was so hungry that if she didn't buy me a chicken burger I was going to die from starvation!  I also may have told her I had broken my toe or else along those lines... In reality it was a tiny cut.

My life in a meme

4.  I have also told a countless amount of people while I'm drunk that I've met Lorde and that she is far sillier in real life than you'd first imagine... I can't honestly say that this ever crossed my mind while sober.  In fact I think I've grown to have a greater appreciation for Lorde now because of the amount of times I told people I loved her when I was drunk when in reality back then I had no opinion of her.

5. And finally I've told so many people that I study film and media when I've been drinking... fun fact: I don't study film and media.

So to summaries.  Either because I am a sober compulsive liar or for some totally different reason I can honestly say that I do not believe you should think of anything that drunken people say to you as their sober thoughts.